| whoo im actually on xanga..and yess im finalyl fucking 16~ whooo.. read more on myspace.. myspace.com/lilbrowone
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| look at what i did?!!
everythns been better! i love my friends! they are the besst~
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| current mood: BLEH!  ... ANGRY!  ... SAD! 
im so sick of the way things are.. the way i dream of achieving things
that i never bother to strive for.. i want so many things.. i aspire
for so much.. i dream of living that so called hollywood lifestyle at
some point in my future.. filled with all the perks and the flashy
cars.. all without doing the work and what it takes to get there.. here
i am as a junior.. this is the most critical year in high school.. its
the year you are supposto go work you ass off and study for sats and
shyt like that.. yeah maybe my grades are much better than theyve been
in the past..that is just the result of me trying to compensate for the
mistakes i made as a frosh and a sophomore.. but whats the point of
doing well in one area.. while im failing terribly in the other.. i
cant evn be positive in thinking that hey at least i achieved one thing
because in reality thats not enough.. i want to work hard and get my
ass into a good college.. soo that i can leave this fucking hell hole i
call a "home" .. and never return again.. i know its terrible but once
i leave.. im not coming back..home is supposto be where eveyrthing is
okay.. the place where you feel safe.. the place you run to when your
world crashes down.. well for me its not and it really has never been..
all my life ive been one of those people that hated spending time with
the family and bein at home and all that other full house shyt.. im so
sick of everything.. i really dont have a father.. hes there physically
but when i think abotu everything.. hes never there.. all he does is
bitch about how ima liar and how im not the perfect child he wanted..
and how i was the "fuck up" kid in the fam and how hes gonna raise my
brother diffrent so taht hes not messed up like me.. to be honest i
really dont care anymore.. i just wish he would go away and never come
back.. i wouldnt regret anything at all if it did happen.. i wouldnt
miss having a father at my wedding or someone there at my graduation to
say good job im proud of you... because asking my dad to do that would
be too much.. hes not one to be part of my life.. so why start now..
truth is im happier when hes not around.. not like he shows up for my
shyt anyways.. and my poor mother.. she works so damn hard and all i
can do is get pissed of for the little things and bitch at her.. or
take it out on nicky.. that poor kid hasnt done anythn to anyone inthe
world.. and he def doesnt deserve a sister like me.. i feel terrible..
cause when i leave all hes gonna have are shattered memories of me and
i really dont want that.. id like for him to rememebr the good times ..
but thats probably not how its gonna be..all of my internal anger is
released on my mom and my brother.. not like its their fault.. if im
just havin a shitty day and are there... ill let it out on them.. they
just get the impact tht katrina had on new orleans.. and yeah i do feel
really bad.. half of the stuff taht drives me insane has absoluetly
nothn to do with them..its a terrible cycle.. its like ima mass
murderer and all i keep doin is killing and killing.. and i cant
stop..the cycle just repeats itself.. everything is so blah rite now..
im really excited to start swim season..but yet at the same time the
situation im in rite now doesnt make life any easier.. why do i worry
about things that i can do absolutely nothing about.. why are others
burdens and worrys constantly finding their way to lay on my
shoulders.. why do i worry about all these things? i used to be a very
optimistic person and had a great perspective on life... but as i get
older and the days go on.. im becoming more of a bitch and pessimist..
i no longer have that happy "everything is gonna be alrite" attitude..
im like "fuck this goes wrong and then that does and then this and then
that" and then ahh holy hell before you know it.. my world is shattered
into two. im sick of running away from my problems.. when things get
too hard.. i wanna run away from them rather tahn face them .. in hopes
taht all my worries will diminish and never come back.. i try to build
a world in which i completely avoid reality... call it my escape if you
wish.. it is school.. the one place where i can be myself.. with the
people i love.. and not have to worry about say fitting the status quo
as a good indian kid who has a 4-0 and a 2400 on the SAT bla bla bla..
i can just be my loud dorky self and theres absolutely no worries at
school.. yeah at 3:15 im glad to get out.. but then again i think abotu
it.. and home is the one place i want to be furthest from.. when its
supposto be the closest? wtf is wrong wtih that? i need to stop
bitching and doing .. i know.. i need to stop worrying and let things
unfold teh way they are suppost to.. some would say "let God do what he
feels is right".. well to be honest i dont believe in god and that is
prolly why im more scared than most people..because i realize that life
is in OUR hands.. not in someone elses.. i personally think people
believe in god to recieve a sense of comfort.. one that things arent in
their control.. that someone is taking care of them.. if that was
true.. why do all these bad things happen to good people and vice
versa? i hate living with uncertainty..and the way things are ..
eveyrthings is pending on something or the other..nothing is for sure..
my lifes alwyz been a fucking wreck.. nothing was ever stable.. i move
every 3 years.. and dont get me wrong i dont regret any of it because
its made me the open minded, experienced person i am today.. but then
again it makes everything so hard..constantly starting over..
establishing who you are over and over again.. its tough and then the
worst thing is that the one person who you want to talk to is never
there during the moments that you need them the most.. it isnt anyones
fault.. i should be more independent.. but at times its nice to have
that.. i hate crying my eyes out and looking at my bl hoping to see
that you are there.. whn you are not.. its like trying to reach someone
and never getting a hold of them.. it pisses me off.. bt its not one of
those things i can be mad about because it really isnt anyones fault
taht things are taht way.. i just wanna leave and be out on my own..
and as i sit here... looking at colleges and applications .. college
admissions requirements and what i want to do with my life.. im just
stuck.. and since failure is my biggest fear.. that the one thing im
afraid of being endowed with. i would love to leave this country and
study abroad in england.. but its very expensive.. i mean i think an
ocean between me and my rents would def do some good.. im just pissed
as fuck.. its not jsut about my family or school stress.. its much
deeper... theres so much more behind that stupid girl who smiles and is
always happy.. the issues just pile one on top of the other.. i think
thats probably why i do a lot of what i do.. its sorta lika reaction to
the things in my life.. i just let loose and then it seems as though
everything is alright.. sadly that calm, happy contentment disappears
soon after..
take me away.. take me to paradise..whereever you take me just get me away from here!
a wise fool once told me" i wish i was retarded because then nobody
would expect anything from me".. sometimes i think that she was right
blah .. i just wish i was back home in the dc area.. a place that is
familar to me and one that alwyz resides as my save haven.. the only
thing i wanna do is go back there...when everything gets fucked up and
i bawl lika baby.. the only place that truly settles everything calmly
is going back or thinking of home.. i may live in indiana but my heart
truly remains in the DC area <3
behind the girl who is always smiling is a girl who is constantly hiding behind tears
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| blah i never write in here anymore.. my poor xanga.. its sorta dying
away! well i thought id take this opp to post.. wow.. i know rutas
posting.. its been awhile.. first off
Fall Coronation 2005- it was
one of the best nites ever! i got all princessed up and all of the
girls looked gorgeous as well.. i was kinda nervous.. but all in all it
was fun.. dinner at the OG.. hahah.. mcdonalds.. racist jks.. madd
gangsta collar poppin.. chicken fingers.. good times.. me eric alena
and eric.. had a blast .. it was awesum!
Powderpuff 2005- OOOH!! thats
was sooo awesum.. evn tho we lost it was great... i was a line
(wo)man.. and i punched a girl.. in the face.. not on purpose or anythn..
bt whatev.. it was funny cause she made this scene like omg she hit
me.. i was like get over it.. bt thats really old news now.. like
exactly a month old actually... it was great.. all the junior senior
rivalry.. fun stuff.. next year we shall win.. but thats a given cause
seniors alwyz get the better deal outta this~
Homecoming 2005- the day was
great.. and we got anounced in front of the school.. so everyone got to
see me prettied up : ).. and then i went to chris' with brit and she
did my hair.. she shouldve done it for coronation cause she did a
spectacular job.. i got to ride in the convertible with eric.. it was
fun.. and the game we watched.. got anounced at half time.. they called
eric erica.. mr man haha.. i busted up laughn.. i still make fun of him
for that today.. after halftime.. we were losing and i left with maggie
shannon and austin.. went to dans.. blah im sure uve heard the story..
shotts.. toothbrush.. underwear.. not gonna detail.. it went around..
some people thought stuff happend that didnt.. but whatev.. u just
learn to deal.. people will talk and believe what they want.. its werid
havin the whole school and people tht dont even know you talkn about
u.. but yeah i got over it and it was an eventful nite! haha one im
never gonna forget
lately ive been
just chillin around the big th.. i was sorta anticipating my move..
cause i hate things being dragged out.. but mom went to cali and
applied and is applying everywhere.. so we'll see what happens.. i love
my friends soo much.. u guys are the greatest ever.. evn if u think
that im gonna throw huge law keggers+shag wag+colleagues.. haha or me
ending up on the porno market.. leaving alwyz makes me sad.. ill put up
a big goodbye post layter but i want to take this time to let u know
that i love you and that uve made a diffrence in my life and that we
will have to stay in touch forever!!
the other weekend.. me jeni and lauren had a slumberparty.. haha our
killer party.. the mexican.. gotta candle.. a stove.. a vacume.. im
takin news week! tacobell and ihop.. good times man .. good times~
lala is moving and im really sad.. weve gotten really close and its
gonna suck without her.. Lauren i love yooh!! i wish u the best of luck
in florida! be wise when u go shopping.. haha...have a great time
there.. well meet up soon
LAST NITE! sooo funny.. went to
the mall with liz matt lauren.. fresh ink cards for eller.. haha sooo
funny reading the randum cards.. i bought the coolest badmitton
jacket.. then we hit the OC.. mann that was funny.. me and lala pulled
a 007 and tried to jump the fence restricter thingy.. like the ones
that enclose hallways.. and since otter creek doesnt believe in
security.. we just pulled this little thingy and the whole door just
opend.. i was like wow this place would be easy to rob.. we walkd to
the cafeteria.. had an ice fight.. stole a soda and popsicle from the
teachers lounge.. the principals office.. hahahaha.. the otter and the
cauliflower.. soooo funny.. yeah we are dorks.. but it was fun.. then
me and lauren took soo many dumb pix.. we can fly.. the constantine
pix.. haha we pretened we could fly and took pix.. some of the kids
watched us and prolly thought we were morons..bt its alrite.. it was
hilarious! i got home 1 hr 15 min past the time i was supposto.. but my
mom didnt care.. she had crashed!! all that trouble for nothing.. oooh
and christina hand was there... and christian school.. it was fun..
randum... but fun.. oh and lauren.. i fount that spatulathingy in my
purse.. from the janitors closet.. LMAO.. blah we are the biggest dorks
ever.. hey we have fun so its all good~
im goin to cincinatti today.. yeah nothn too big thats bout it <3 Ruta
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